Alumna

Most of you know, though random viewers may not:  I am in a sorority.  However, two weeks ago I went from collegiate member status to alumna status.  When this happens, the ladies leaving are asked to write a speech/farewell sort of thing.  I thought it fit to post mine, as it is quite an accurate portrayal of my years here.

There are so many people that I have shared memories with throughout college. I tried making a list of everyone that I wanted to say something specific to, but realized I had typed out the entire chapter. I know that people say this all the time, and that it just seems like a cop-out, but there is no way that I can take the time to say something to each of you individually. Also, I always find that the seniors take anything I might have to say to them and say it in their 3D speech. This way, you all have no excuse for tomorrow. My goal is to sum up my experience in Phi Mu, with a few anecdotes thrown in, in hopes that you can all understand the impact Rho Delta has had on my life.

As most of you know, though some don’t, Central was the last place I ever wanted to go to school. I was intending on going to a private art school in Boston and had planned on that until I recieved my financial aid breakdown. Though I was awarded the second highest scholarship the school offered, I still needed to be able to pay for about half of ever semester, which came to about $20,000 a year. Long story short, it was mid-August and I had nowhere to go except Northern, which was the only place I applied. One thing lead to another, (UofM, MSU, etc having closed admissions) and I ended up at CMU the weekend before classes to talk to admissions to get accepted and schedule classes.

I hated it. I hated the teachers and the classes and the campus. Everything but the moving bookshelves in the library. Nobody in Calkins was social, at all, and I made one friend outside of my roommates in the fall semester. However, during that semester I watched as my roommates, Meghan and Miranda, went through the Phi program. I saw their anticipation of when they were waiting to find out who there bigs were. I saw lion after lion, clue after clue.

Spring semester came around and brought with it a hope. I was touring other in-state colleges and wanted to transfer. The tables turned, however, when Brittany said she wanted to look at sororities (mainly from very persistent roommates of mine). I told her that she should look at all of them, and at least go to Meet the Greeks and I’d go with her to make sure that happened. After that, we only ended up going to Phi Mu, mainly because there was someone to give us a ride. I never wanted to leave, and I think it had a little something to do with singing High School Musical karaoke with Jenny Jones.

It’s because of Phi Mu that I’m still at Central. It’s because of Phi Mu that I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for. It’s because of Phi Mu that I’m probably even remotely sane.

It was in my Phi semester when I experienced a lot of new things. I got my big and a family tree, I got a Phi class, I experienced my first Greek Week, and along with that my first party at a fraternity house. (Where, by the way, I somehow got gum inside of my shoe and ended up ruining Meghan’s black socks that she let me borrow. The shoes never left my feet.) I suddenly had friends in classes and strong women to look to for guidance. Phi Mu made college not only bearable, but pretty darn fun.

Then I started getting sick, all the time. I was in and out of the ER about 6 times in the first few months of 2009. At one point I thought I was going to have to get brain surgery, other times I just thought I wasn’t even going to make it to Junior year. Even through all of this, I decided to take a little in Spring 2009. I am so glad that I did, because when I was fighting depression through those summer months, it was Anna who text messaged me nearly every day, who came to visit to see Up! when it came out, and who overall just supported me in a way that I really needed, so I wasn’t just sitting in my thoughts. And I made it to Junior year.

Once again, some of you may or may not know this, but I have a really hard time expressing my emotions. This was definitely the case junior year. I spent a lot of nights sitting on the living room couch in the Phi Mu house watching reruns of Toddlers & Tiaras while everyone else was doing something fun. At this point I was in my peak time of illness. I was taking like 14 different medications and trying all these new ones and nothing ever worked. I pretty much removed myself from everyone and everything and didn’t really feel like a person.

But Phi Mu was there. I knew I could count on seeing everyone at events, and knew that I didn’t have to feel so alone. The support of my Phi Mu sisters got me through one of the hardest times in my life.

Senior year has probably been the best I’ve experienced in college. The Renaissance Festival, homecoming, winning the Golden Goblet, Halloween, getting my second little and GG, birthdays, St. Patrick’s Day, Greek Week, winning Greek Week, and everything in between.

When I decided to accept my bid to Phi Mu I had no idea what I was getting into. I’ve had so many leadership opportunities, personal growth, and made some of my best friends. Every once in awhile I look back to my notebook from my Phi capsule and see the things actives had written. Everyone pretty much wrote different variations of how I should make my time in Phi Mu count, because it’ll go by fast. As a Freshmen I thought it was just a bunch of bull they were making up just so they could write something. Two years ago, I would have said it was taking forever, but standing here now, it’s been the quickest 4 years of my life. So please, enjoy and embrace your Phi Mu experience, so you can leave without regret.

Speaking of Phi Capsules, I wanted to read my letter that I wrote to myself on initiation day.

Dear Self;

Way to make an awesome decision to join Phi Mu.  Let’s hope that it’ll be worth it in the long run.  Not the sorority part, but the staying at Central part.  I hope it was a good choice!

Are we accepted to med-school yet?  I hope so, because I’m not looking forward to the fall semester.  You know:  CHM, BIO, PHY, and possibly Calc?  Yeah, that one!  Hopefully it’ll be a little fun.  Keep working hard, but don’t let it consume your life.

Do you have a boyfriend yet?  I know it’s totally not that important ATM, but if you haven’t.. get working on that!  JK.  Enjoy life, have fun!

Love,
Your amazing 18-year-old, Freshman self!

Now, I may not be accepted or have any desire to go to Medical School. Nor am I particularly close to having a boyfriend. I have no doubt in my mind that staying at Central and becoming a Phi Mu were the best decisions I could have made. I also can’t believe I was worried about sophomore year classes. Obviously 18 year old me was not even thinking about 400 and 500 level classes.

Thank you all for the memories, the nights that I had to have retold to me in the morning, and overall the most amazing sisterhood any sorority girl could ask for. I love you all.  

That’s all.  In 4-ish hours I will officially be a graduate.  Hooray!

My Sincerest Apologies

I realize that it’s been quite awhile since my last blog post.  It’s been so long that I don’t even remember what it was about.  That’s quite alright, however, because boy-oh-boy have I been busy!  Today is officially my last day as a current Central Michigan University student.  As of tomorrow I will be a variety of new things:  a college graduate, a CMU Alumni, and Lost.

Graduating doesn’t scare me.  It actually hasn’t even hit me yet that tomorrow I walk on a stage in front of thousands of families to obtain a fake diploma while secretly hoping the real one will get to me by August.  Alright, not secretly.

Classes this semester were tough.  Exam week actually sent me into a health decline that needed medical attention.  For the first time since I’ve been in college, I have cared about the results of my final exams.  Before, if I ended up failing (has yet to happen, so I’m crossing my fingers) it wasn’t the end of the world.  I could just retake the class in a following semester.  This time, there’s no option to fail.  No, it would not be the end of the world, but how awful would it be if I had to retake a class after walking tomorrow?  Horrendous.

That’s why I was completely engulfed by exam stress.  However, they are done now, and if I’m lucky, I’ll never have another final exam in my life.  I am so over this whole “school” thing.  I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Biomedical Sciences with a minor in 3-Dimensional Art.  What on this wonderful planet we call Earth am I going to be able to do with that?  A BS in BS.  That’s truly what it is, though:  a bunch of BS.

Going to college seems like such a waste to me.  I feel like I would have been better off taking off a year or two to figure out what I want out of life.  Instead, I’ve spent four years in classes, struggling in quite a few, to acquire a major that will probably get me nowhere in life.  Either I’m going to be “over qualified” for jobs because I have a degree, or I’m not going to have enough job experience, because I was a Biomedical Science major, in a sorority, and a few other clubs on campus and had no excess time for a job.

I’m not looking forward to the grueling responsibility of the real world, and I’m going to miss the carelessness I was blessed to feel at times.  But I’m honestly really looking forward to just focusing on a job and working.  No cramming for exams.  No all-nighters working on a paper.  Maybe I can finally learn some practical applications for my life.

Luckily for me, I don’t have to worry about any of that until October.  I have a temporary summer job starting in two days and going until I leave in August for England.  Then I’ll be in England for two months.  Then what?  I have no solid plans or ideas, and I’m kind of OK with that.

Look at me embracing uncertainty.  2010 me would be so proud.

As a side note:  Look forward to more frequent blog posts.  It’s summer, baby.

What goes around

Comes around?

Nah, what goes around is probably some sort of virus and you’ll eventually get one at some point.

Annnddd side-tracked.

I want to take you back a bit, say 3 months or so to New Year’s eve or whenever the blog was made.  Remember how I said that my New Year’s resolution was to embrace the uncertainty in my life?  This is has since been put to the test, and I failed it temporarily.  However, at the time I made this resolution, I was not expecting the things to happen that have since happened.  I figured I’d just get worried about graduate school or finding a job, etc.

You see, somehow, I’ve miraculously gotten myself into the situation where I’m kind of talking to two different men.  It just sort of happened, you know?  Which is totally weird because I have a difficult enough time even finding one guy that is even remotely interested in me.

Anyway, you see, it got to the point where I was stressing over everything.  What does this text mean?  Does he even actually like me?  Were some of the things said just lies?  Blah, blah, blah.  Uncertainty, insecurity, blah.

I was consumed with uncertainty and totally unable to handle it.  I honestly cried for a good two hours, felt like crying even more, but held it in.  After a day of feeling pathetic, I decided that my reaction/actions were stupid.  I was happy before these boys came into my life, and yes, I’m sure it could make me happier if I got something substantial.  The truth is, that my happiness is not determined by whether or not one of these guys wants to be with me.

Everyone keeps asking me, “How is it going with so-and-so?” or “Where are things at with what’s-his-face?”

I always answer the same, “I don’t know,” give it a shrug, and don’t worry about it.

In all honesty, I don’t know.  It’s not like I haven’t tried to figure out, but since that got me nowhere, I am just going to stop stressing and obsessing over it.  It’s not even important in my life.  It could become important, but at the stage that I’m at, I can’t focus my energy on something so frail.  I’m going to focus on myself.

I feel like sometimes I’m being a bit selfish or arrogant when I say that, but what I’ve learned from all of this, plus episodes of Biggest Loser:  I need to serve myself first, and stop succumbing to the needs of others instead of my own.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

Body Image

I want to talk about self-perception and body image.

I’m about to talk about myself, now, which is perfectly alright, because this is my blog.  I just want to give some information about how I’ve been personally affected by horrible body image.

For nearly my entire life I have been a victim of inaccurate self-perception.  I never felt like I looked good enough, was tall enough, was thin enough, was ever enough in the physical appearance of life.  The one moment that I can pick out specifically is when I was about 5-years old.  I was visiting a friend of mine, who I didn’t see very often, and I distinctly remember her saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll lose your baby fat someday.”

I waited and waited for that day to come.  You know how kids are pudgy through early childhood and then have growth spurts and it just evens out?  That never happened to me.  I never lost the baby fat. When I started going into puberty I started getting a little more top heavy.  However, for the longest time, my mom only get me sports bras.  I actually don’t even remember when I finally got a normal bra, which was probably because I stole one from one of my older sisters.

I was always afraid to wear jeans, because I never fit into the cute ones they made for preteens.  I started off in the women’s section.  I never got to wear from the Junior’s section.  My mom always took me to the women’s section.  What’s there to wear for a kid there?  Not much.

I’ve been stuck in a t-shirt and jean wearing phase for over 8 years.  I’ve only recently stepped out of that comfort zone.  I’ve been trying so hard to get over these small, built up insecurities about myself that have been stewing since before I was even IN school.

Let me set the scene for my life in school:  the fat, smart girl, who everyone always forgot was smart.  I was better acquainted with my teachers than the vast majority of my peers.  I got made fun of a lot in middle school.  I quit sports because my teammates made fun of me.  In high school I didn’t even try, because I knew how the routine went.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  High school was OK.  I found other things to focus on, and friends who didn’t care what I looked like (I hope).  But I never had a lot of the experiences in high school that most people get.  There were no boys, there was no romance, there was just me trying to survive until I could get to college where it would finally get better.

When I got to college, though, it just turned out to be a larger version of high school, except I wasn’t the smart girl anymore.  At this point, I was at 236 pounds and just starting to get the acne most kids get in high school.  Height of insecurity and self-loathing right there.

I started dieting for the first time in high school.  Atkin’s, calorie restriction, etc.  At this point, I’ve tried a vast majority of it.  I never really stopped trying some sort of diet.  Sophomore year of college I somehow started doing something right, because I went from 236 to 180 in the year.  From a size 18/20 to a size 12.  I had never been a size 12 in my entire life.  Ever, ever, ever.  It felt amazing.

Since then, as this is senior year, I’ve stayed in the 190s.  I nearly got back to 200, and turned that around right quick.  I’m on the verge of fitting into 10s, which amazes me.  I try to workout 5 days a week, but it probably averages out to 3 days.  I’m looking for new ways to make food and to enjoy food instead of just eating it.  My problem, however, is that I don’t like food, I don’t like eating it, I just plain don’t.  I probably don’t eat enough.

All of these problems I’ve had with self: image, worth, and perception have caused me to really miss out on my youth.  I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone else to love me.  I was never open for relationships.  There were times when I would stand in front of my mirror and just yell at myself (internally, so no one would hear) for being worthless, ugly, and fat.

What I learned from this all, is that there is no way you can expect someone else to love you until you love yourself.  You can never escape yourself, and you need to love every bit of you, unconditionally.

This is the philosophy I’ve had, watching friends of mine date, a few of them never being single for more than a few days or weeks.  I believe that you have to be comfortable being single, before you can have a successful relationship.  Another person isn’t there to make you whole, they are there to compliment you.

Yes, I would love it if I had a boyfriend, and I know I complain from time to time about being alone forever.  You know what, though?  I would be OK with that.  I’d be sad over the fact that I never got to experience love with another person, but I do love myself.  I can live with myself, even if it’s alone.  I’ve been single for 21 years, I think I could handle it.

The problem I face now, is that I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle someone else in my life.  I don’t know how that sort of thing works first hand.  There are no rules that I’ve been able to establish for myself, and sometimes I think that I go into things completely naive.  I mean, come on, I didn’t get my first kiss until I was 20.

There are times when this makes me feel even worse about myself.  Why don’t guys like me?  It would bring me back to the thought that I’ve always had: I’m not good enough.  So am I going to just embrace any man that shows any interest, now?  Will I suddenly throw expectations and standards aside?  Yeah, probably.  Actually, pretty sure I already have.

I’m better than that.  I’m better than letting the opinions and comments of others control how I feel about myself.

I know that people say society is putting an unrealistic expectation on women (and men, mind you) about how to look.  The truth is, we’re doing it.  Not only are there outside pressures of peers, but there are the ones you put onto yourself.  The best way to get beyond that is to simply love yourself for who you are, and try to better your health, not your image.

I apologize for the length, but I really just wanted to get this all out.  It’s for me, really, and you don’t have to read it.  However, in my life now, it’s all about doing what I want, and what will make me happy.

And I am happy.

Unrequited.

I’ve been thinking about something lately.  It’s mainly has to do with the whole system of romance, of which I am definitely no expert.  I have learned a bit in my time, though, that I think is pretty useful, however, I think that this may be mostly about my curiosities.

I’ve always been the girl who pines over a boy from afar.  I had (and think I’ve done well to get over having) relatively low self esteem.  Therefore, I never acted upon my feelings.  Most of the time I didn’t let anybody know; I kept it to myself and wallowed in it.  I knew there was no way for him (whichever him you want to refer to) would ever like me back.  It’s pretty much always been this way for me.

But no.  Not anymore.  I stopped doing that nearly 2 years ago.  I imagine in most people’s circumstances they actually act upon their feelings.  The only problem is that I never get anything substantial.  At least in the old way, I would come across a guy and start to like him, and then I knew my feelings were genuine.  I truly liked the guys that I liked.  (Omg, Maggie, duh.)

Now, it just seems so superficial and unreliable.  I’m just feeding off the idea that I could like this person, even though I’ve known him for a short time.  Then, when it inevitably doesn’t work out, I don’t particularly care, other than having wasted my time.

I guess the good thing is, I’m wasting a week or two of my life at a time now, as opposed to losing important things in my life, such as, I don’t know, emotions, because of a year of undivided emotional devotion got shot back in my face.

Wahhh, it just doesn’t make sense to me.  Dating is weird, especially when you aren’t dating.  Mind you, I’d love to go on a proper date.  If you can find me a guy to go on one with, I’d probably be appreciative, so long as he isn’t a creep.

Oh wells, that’s life for you, and I suppose it’s all about learning.  I just suppose I need to learn a bit more in the relationship department.

Il bel far niente

Translates to:  The beauty of doing nothing.

That’s what I’m going to do.  You see, I just wrote this intensely long blog about the unspoken passive aggressiveness of my apartment.  However, I’m keeping it on private.  I have this thing where I need to express myself, but when it’s negative, I usually just write it and set it to private.  At least I got it out, yeah?

Well, you see, I’m going to use this Italian philosophy and just do nothing about the troubles going on.  I’ve struggled enough trying to fix them to no prevail.  I’m not the one with the problem, it appears to be all against me.

Whatever, not what I wanted to talk about.

What I did want to discuss, is the book “Eat, Pray, Love”.  Now, let me preface this with the fact that I have not seen the movie.  I told myself I couldn’t until I read the book.  I try to do this with most books-turned-movie.  I’m finally reading it.  It’s slow going at times, but I really like the messages so far (and she’s only in Italy!).

I think the reason why I’m enjoying it so much now, not that I wouldn’t, is because she just decided to go on the 3 I’s trip.  What I wouldn’t do to go to Italy and learn Italian.  I’ve wanted to learn Italian for as long as I remember.  Nobody teaches Italian in Michigan.  When I had to pick a foreign language in High School to get into the National Honors Society, I dual-enrolled, wanted to take Italian, but had to take German because Mott Community College doesn’t offer Italian.  Then I thought, maybe, just maybe, when I got to a university, it’d be bigger and would offer Italian.  Oh was I wrong.

This book is just reiterating my love for Italy and my desire to go there.  I want to spend three months in Italy. Italy was the birthplace of so many artistic movements, and the food, oh the food.  The language is simply beautiful, and hello, Gelato!

If there’s something I’ve learned from this book in the 76 pages I’ve read so far (hey, it’s my gym book, I read it when I’m on the Cybex) it’s that there’s no need to worry about how life is going to be.  It’s about living in the moment and embracing life.  Life isn’t about struggling and stressing about what profession you’re going to struggle and stress at.  Life is about doing nothing, just because you actually can.

How many people can say that they could successfully do nothing?  Young adults these days spend the majority of their free time on the internet.  That’s not doing nothing.

You know what I’m going to try?  Doing nothing, and I believe it could be really freeing.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about.

2011 . . sigh.

This has been one freaking weird year, and January isn’t even over yet.

I think I’m probably in one of the best, positive, and confident places that I have ever been in my life.  This is even after being slightly rejected by a guy who couldn’t handle attempting a relationship because he’s “depressed” and doesn’t want “to drag anyone into it”.  That’s cool (and probably for the best on my part, who wants to deal with that?) because I wasn’t really feeling it anyway, which is something I realized early on in the new year.  Details not included.

The point is, I’ve been feeling super good about myself and where I am in life.  I’m scared about what the future holds, but I just want to live in the moment and work on improving the now.  The present is all we have, and the only way we’re ever going to enjoy life is by embracing it.

Short and sweet, but I wanted to give a little update on how I practically love life right now.